just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
they're like a gay fantastic four
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize