y did u give ur computer a hand job?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
