defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
