I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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