I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
