im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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