i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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