I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
