he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
