So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
