bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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