Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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