my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
