I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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