We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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