At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
