I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
