there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
