I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
