just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
