Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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