dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
