Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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