Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
