That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
