I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Randomize
