I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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