I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Randomize
