I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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