Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
