I wish life had little blips of pornography
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
