did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
