I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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