Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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