Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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