I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
