Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
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