Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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