I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
