i'm signing you up for texting rehab
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
