Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I need water and some morals
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
