Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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