He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
