I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I wish you could order shots online.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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