I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize