is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
