I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
