On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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