Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
