Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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