i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
