I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
