Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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