if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize