I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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