remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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