he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
