Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
