Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
they need to just BURY HIM!
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
