Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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