Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
