I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
