I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
