I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
