dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
