I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
