Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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