I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
